Wow I love the Internet. I just found the letter I emailed to my old employers back in 2004 after I left in controversial circumstances.
I spent well over eight years at Cinram so I thought I’d better send you all a goodbye message. It does go on but please keep reading as I’m sure there is something for everyone.
It’s been just over three weeks since my departure so I thought I’d drop you a quick line to say my goodbyes (I was waiting for my P45 etc before I could send this). I expect the Cinram rumour mill has been working overtime so now is the time to quash all rumours and tell the real reason for my shock departure. I was stitched up. Now then, there are a couple of candidates for this but for legal reasons I can not name names. Suffice to say the main candidate won’t need a scarf this winter and the second candidate has a big office but someone in a smaller office does all his work for him! My clues are too easy!
Right then some of you may know that I have my own website and a big part of this showcases my autobiography (not complete). Well about twelve weeks ago I was asked to remove all associations to Cinram from my site, which I thought I did, however, Chapter ten of my book makes a fleeting reference to my then place of work. Senior management deemed this to be in breach of Cinrams’ internet and e-mail policy and suspended me pending an investigation. Having been a victim of Cinrams’ erratic disciplinary procedure once before I resigned before the stitch up could be complete (my lawyer says I have a great constructive dismissal case). A quick question, how can I get a two year warning for telling someone the truth and someone else get an eighteen month warning for smashing a 2 grand piece of equipment? Another quick question, who trawled the internet looking through my site for any associations with Cinram? Surely that is in itself a breach of policy? Next time though please can you sign my guestbook and click on a couple of the ads?
Right that’s the formalities out of the way now time for goodbyes. I’ll start with the real friends I have made here…….. Scott M, cheers for the eighteen months you were my landlord. We had some blinding times. Best wishes to Nick and the rest of the family oh and get the chop boy! (I’m talking about your cock and not like me). Mark O’C. Or blags to his mates. Blags you are a top fella. There are a lot of people at Cinram who do not like you but I wasn’t one of them. Good luck with the crosswords and I can now officially hand over the reins of the pen man. I hope everything works out for you and others stop tattle-taling on you! Next my friend for life…….. some of you may think I only got on at Cinram because I was mates with Dave…… the answer to that is not true as he knows that I was a top worker (pity a few others didn’t realise that….. remember Mr Lake you told me you would get me? and my friendship with Osman wouldn’t save me….. My lawyer is digesting that at the moment…… I can’t wait for the court date as it will be a top reunion……. ) Dave O, top boss fella. I understand you are working till gone eight every night as well as coming in every weekend. I hope no-neck is keeping an eye on the European working hours directive and giving you the support you need. Probably not though as his department doesn’t get the time after their three hour lunch breaks. Anyway Oz keep going mate and don’t let them get you down. One quick thing why don’t you call some of the Directors at the weekend? Oh yes I remember now they are often called but never have their company mobile on! Weird that especially when they all flout the rules and use them in the factory!
Bob H, what a fella….. the only boss who treated us like normal people….. best wishes to you and your wife and thanks for the weekend at the hotel Higgins…… Rob G (or Joey to his mates), Kim, Sandy, Simon M and John P. The people who run manufacturing. Cheers for the last eight and a half years and who knows, I may, one day, see you all again. Bloody hell I’m beginning to sound like Vera Lynn. Anyone who was with me on G1A, possibly the best shift of all time, this includes the likes of John Smith, Mike Green, Wayne Page, Simon M, Ray C, Ray S, Stewy Cook (when on OT) oh the list goes on. I wont miss many of the CS team as I did spend most of my time puppy walking them to get things right (unlucky Lakey it’s my e-mail and I can use any expression I like). I’d say 50% of the orders that came to me had something wrong with them. Perhaps now this situation may be addressed. I’d better just mention Mel who was very good to me when my sister was ill. Thanks for that Mel. Oh and you will get over me! On to finance. What a strange phenomenon. Always thought they were a cut above the rest of us because they can do a few sums. A few words of advice chill out a bit as the world doesn’t end at long division. The advice given is holistically (that will be Lakey using the thesaurus again as he hated the long words I would use, unless of course he plagarises as usual) as individually one or two of you were ok. I always got on with Sarah and cheers for those lifts. Wilson is a surprise package. As a Scot and a scum fan I should, by sectarian rules, hate him. I don’t. He’s not a bad lad. Keep on following your beliefs and good luck in the Coca-Cola next season. Frederique is by a long way the best looking girl at Cinram (not much competition) and I will never forget you as we share the same birth date.
Fred H, keep on cheering the blues and I may see you for a beer one Saturday at Portman Road, by the way I do not blame you for poisoning me with Lenor. I blame HR for taking 14 months to respond to a basic health and safety request (something else my lawyer is rubbing his hands over). Whilst on the subject of HR why oh why oh (spells YoYo) does the job go to a bloke who doesn’t have a clue. I thought after Nic Jones left, Cinram had the opportunity to put someone in the position who could do the job. I mean Nicola wasn’t any good but she is a 100 times better than old scrunchy shoulders…… and some of you used to moan about Sue….. She pisses all over anything since her……. anyway I’d better carry on……. Ian K, a word of advice, stop selling cars at work, they will find out.
I know I may have missed a few of you out so if I have here is a goodbye especially for you.
Rob H, I only knew you for about a year but we did share an office. Good luck and remember there will only ever be one pop master! Dave O, can you say goodbye to Martin in Alsdorf as he was the only decent Eric……. (Eric Eric Eric there you go puddle another word you didn’t like and you can’t go tattle taling to Percy this time!)
Mr Miller, I hear on the grapevine you have applied for my job? Even before my departure had been announced? I do hope that confidentiality has not been breached? (my lawyer will be hoping it has). See ya Pat B…… top bird…..I hope one day you will get a holiday in Q4
I would like to offer Mr P a few words of advice to help him run the company more efficiently. First up let your staff do the jobs they are paid to do. Stop interfering. The second bit of advice is possibly the best. Get rid of Mr Lake. You do not need him. Give Dave O a few more quid and he can take over Lakey’s role. This shouldn’t be too difficult as he does most of it now anyway. Oh and the book I lent you three years ago, can I have it back (To Hell In A Hand-Cart by Richard Littlejohn)
So onto the final paragraph. This is the final goodbye and from now on if you have any queries with databases, spreadsheets, AS400 or anything else PC based you will have to put on a help lynx request and hope for the best. I’m sure after IT have had there fourth tea-break of the day and got past level seven (another complaint not acted upon (check the records no-neck) oh the hypocrisy of it all) they will eventually get round to it………….
don’t forget to log on to www.theinnerthigh.com and sign my guestbook. Please click on the ads. Obviously you will have to do this at home along with your internet banking, holiday bookings, checking the latest sports news, selling cars, buying stuff on e-bay, running google checks on Kate Bush (nothing ever done about that eh Lee?). That’s it from me as the cynicism is too much……….. One last thing….. my collection….. some of you must still love me and will do a collection…… all I want is the LIVE AID DVD BOX SET (hopefully not one of the miss-packs)…… don’t worry about a card or anything else just the DVD set……. any other monies collected for me can go to Scott McSephney’s marathon charity………..